The conspiracy against Alabama Football

After watching Saturday’s performance against the Arkansas Razorbacks, one thing became apparent; the conspiracy to keep Alabama down is widespread and well-planned. John Parker Wilson, Alabama Quarterback and soon to be cover boy of Teen Beat magazine, completed 16 of 20 passes for 243 yards, yet Shula made the call to hold him back, careful not too show too much offense with the Florida game coming up. Shula instead used his jumbo package to pound Arkansas’ holes without mercy, leaving the hogs sore and cheapened by the experience. Darby and McClain wore away at the Razorback defense like a grindstone wearing away something which requires grinding, but in the end, it was simply not enough.

Basically, Saturday’s loss can be attributed to a two prong conspiracy against the greatest football team in history. The plan goes like this:

1.) Tommy Tuberville, an Arkansas native himself, placed Shula in a strategical quandary Saturday night by abusing his power on the NCAA Rules Committee. Tuberville apparently knew the strength of Alabama’s passing game, but also knew Shula’s need to keep this weapon a secret would force Alabama to run the ball. Tuberville used his position to institute new clock rules that greatly shortened Saturday’s game, greatly reducing the effectiveness of a run based offense. It was obvious to anyone watching the game if Alabama had been given 4-5 more plays, they would have destroyed Arkansas. Tuberville’s evil plan forced Bama to rely on its kicking game.

b.) Everyone with any knowledge of Alabama’s kicking game knows the Tide can routinely hit 60 yarders and is guaranteed on all field goals inside the fifty. Arkansas was equally aware of this information and began their devious plan to defeat Shula years ago. In 2001 Arkansas constructed the “PigScreen”, at the time the largest jumbotron in college athletics. It was obvious Saturday that the Pigscreen actually channels a vent of air across the goal posts, forcing kicks to veer violently to one side. Given Alabama’s stellar kicking program and Leigh Tiffin’s genetic predisposition for winning field goals, this is the only logical explanation for the repeated missed kicks.

Despite the schemes to defeat the Tide, there is still a silver lining and his name is John Parker Wilson. Wilson is obviously the greatest quarterback in Alabama history. Shula is so confident in Wilson’s ability that he chose to lose the game, rather than give upcoming opponents a sneak peek at Wilson’s greatness. Knowing that Alabama still must face Florida, Tennessee, LSU and Auburn, Shula made the calculated decision to keep the passing attack hidden and catch these teams by surprise. Such a clandestine and gutsy move surely places Shula’s name among those of Patton, McArthur and Custer.

Alabama travels to Gainesville on Saturday. The reward for keeping Alabama’s passing game secret will be apparent by halftime, when Alabama is sure to be winning by at least 35 points. It should be a good game, with Alabama leaving the Gators beaten and humiliated. As of Monday, Florida had not constructed any weather altering devices to use against the Tide, but a school that can create Gatorade can certainly cook up something on short notice.

Let it be know that I, Andy Palys, didn’t write this, and I don’t know who did. I just decided to pass it along. 😉